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Furm's Take: Epic Failures Run Amuck At Messiah
Elizabeth Graham and the women's lacrosse team are among those trying to turn the uncool into cool at Messiah.
Grantham, PA — It’s my journalistic duty to spill the beans on Messiah athletics. Generally, this space is reserved for heart-warming tales of our athletes and teams; a place where the continuous greatness of Falcons’ sports is captured in prose. This is not one of those times. Sure, this place wins championships as often as Kate Gosselin makes TV appearances, but have you ever stopped to see how these people go about doing it? Everyone thinks they’re a comedian around here. Yes, the women’s basketball team has gone to 11 straight NCAA Tournaments. But at the start of every year, they dress up like goons. For no reason! “We actually play a game of pick-up ball like that,” said sophomore guard Anna Walker. “The games aren’t very good, but it sure is fun!” Fun? It’s downright Walt Disney Goofy! And they’re not the only team that does this type of thing. The women’s track team has “super hero day” at the start of every outdoor season, but they don’t dress up like real super heroes. They make them up. “Let’s see, this year there was Super Ketchup, Super Mustard, Super Clean and Super Dirty, among others,” said senior Julie Kramer. “We normally keep it a secret from the coaches and the boys’ team and we just show up at practice dressed crazy.” I asked Julie what the male athletes think of the show. “Oh, they ignore us completely,” she said. “For some reason, they don’t acknowledge us.” I can think of a pretty good reason: SOCIAL ACCEPTANCE. At least the women’s tracksters don’t parade around in public like this. No, that honor goes to the men’s golf team, which donned 1970’s apparel during their annual spring break trip to the Orlando area this year. Yes, Messiah golf is going to the NCAA National Championships next week. I can only hope they look better than this. “Hey, we keep it competitive all year,” said junior golfer Dan Wort. “Spring break is about gearing up for the season, but it’s also about having some fun.” Apparently, it is also about shocking the patrons at the renowned and normally-conservative Harmony Golf Preserve. Old Guy In Clubhouse Number One: “Did you get a load of what those boys were wearin’?” The social failures within Messiah athletics go far beyond mere dress up days, however. Junior midfielder Keaton Kasiguran did his best during men’s soccer media day this fall, but his teammates just wouldn’t let him succeed. “Keaton has not had a good photo taken in his entire collegiate career,” said classmate Sean Cunningham. “This year was his year. He said he was going to be stone-cold and not react to anything we did behind the camera.” But then, this happened. “I couldn’t imagine a worse picture,” Cunningham concluded. “This was the most awful one ever. As a team, we couldn’t have been more pleased.” And it’s not just the storied programs that thrive on the egregious. Messiah’s swim team — at just two years old — is already making a stink in the world of the uncool. Their game? Hurling kickboards. “I’m actually pretty good at it,” boasted sophomore Zachary McArdle. “I’m pretty sure the term is a hammer. You take the kickboard to the side of your head and kind of flip it. It spins, but it stays on a pretty straight line and goes forever. It’s really cool.” It is also a health hazard. Head coach Nancy Luley said she was nearly picked off on several occasions this year, while a kickboard remains lodged in the Fredricksen Natatorium ceiling — over 50 feet above water level. “I’ve been trying to get that thing down all year,” McArdle admitted. “Guess my aim isn’t as good as I think it is.” Guess not. Know what else isn’t great? Messiah women’s lacrosse players dancing. Before every game, these girls form a tunnel for starting line-ups, then proceed to do a jig before running through and shaking the hand of the opposing team’s coach. Come to think of it, dancing may be too generous of a word. It appears to be the random firing of muscle groups, more than anything else. “I usually try to plan something in my head, but when my name is called, something just comes out,” said junior defender Elizabeth ‘Eebs’ Graham. “Usually I have no idea what happened.” Eebs told me that no player has named their respective ritual, but I have. There’s the Rachel Dirksen Disco Point, the Of course, there’s whatever Graham does, which defies any moniker. “The first time we did it, the other team saw it and laughed at us, then mocked us when they got introduced,” Eebs said. “So we knew we had to beat them. It doesn’t do much good if you act stupid and can’t back it up.” That has been the least of the Falcons’ concerns, as the team is currently riding a program-record 10-game winning streak, and is looking for their second straight NCAA Tournament appearance. Stupidity has its rewards. Messiah’s baseball team apparently subscribes to that theory, as the squad’s incredible run into post-season play has been accompanied by a vogueless fashion statement. The entire team is growing mustaches. On purpose. “It’s the Streak For The ‘Stache, man,” junior pitcher Travis Thome told me. “(Senior) Elliot Thomas and I have been growing ours ever since we got on this roll. The mania has grew, and so have the ‘staches. Now, it’s a requirement of the team to grow what you got.” I’ll give the Falcons’ hardballers credit. Like many others, I thought their season was over two weeks ago. But, they won their last six regular-season conference games and eked into the league playoffs — an incredible feat. But mustaches? Really? “We’ve definitely gotten some stares and snickers from people during our games,” Thome said, “but if you can’t handle the ‘stache, get out of the room.” Or ballpark. “Right.” Thome told me that, in addition to cultivating team morale, the upper-lip hair is a nod to notable mustaches throughout history. “How many successful people have, at one time or another, rocked a raunchy ‘stache?” Thome asked me. Outside of former Messiah men’s soccer coach Dave Brandt, I could not think of any. “Yeah, I’ll have to get back to you on that, but I’m pretty sure there are a lot,” he said. So this is what it has come to? Messiah’s athletic successes stem from nothing more than young folks acting a fool? “You put in so much time and effort with your teammates, working to be successful, that you need time to joke around,” Wort told me. “I can probably speak for a lot of athletes here. If you take yourself too seriously, you’ll never be as good as you can be.” Judging by the amount of trophies, plaques and medals here, it works. So I’ll buy in. I’ll air my most recent goof right here, right now. About two weeks after this winter’s last blizzard, I was driving my car up an access road to our lacrosse field. There appeared to be tire tracks in the snow, but as I continued to drive, the tracks became less apparent. Before I could send that thought to my right foot, I was stuck. I walked the quarter-mile back to my office, and found men’s soccer head coach Brad McCarty. He rounded up some of his players — senior Josh Mull, junior Nick Thompson and freshman Logan Thompson — and we headed back. It took 45 minutes to push me out. Turns out I was not only stuck in snow, I had driven off the path and into a giant puddle of slush and mud. As I began to drive back toward pavement, I rolled down my window to thank the group for their help, and ask them not to publicize the embarrassment too much. McCarty, however, couldn’t help himself. “Hey, you should write a column about this,” he yelled. “You can call it Furm’s Mis-Take.” Yep. Everyone’s a comedian around here.
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