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Then, on a hot June day in 1975, Barbara was on her way out the door when the phone rang. A friend of her twenty-year-old son, Larry, wanted to borrow a book and Barbara went into his bedroom to find it.
Opening a desk drawer, she spotted the book and pulled it out. Hidden underneath was a stack of homosexual magazines. A wave of nausea swept over her. She managed to conclude the call, then hung up the phone in a daze of emotions.
She returned to Larry's room and fingered through the ads for gay films and other materials. Some of the material was in envelopes, all addressed to her son at a post office box in a nearby town. As the impact of the discovery hit her, Barbara was overwhelmed with a tidal wave of emotions.
"I threw myself down on the bed and a terrible roaring sob burst from me," she recalls in her autobiography, Where Does A Mother Go to Resign? "I was alone in the house, and for several terrifying minutes sobs from fear, shock and disbelief shook me. Flashing in my mind was this wonderful son who was so bubbly and happy--such a joy to have around. Thinking of him entwined with some other male brought heaves of heavy sobbing from deep wounds of agony." [1]
|
+---------------------------------------------------------------------------<------+
V |
LOSS ^
| Deterioration |
V / |
SHOCK -> PROTEST -> DISORGANIZATION -> REORGANIZATION >------->------+
Emotional release Sorrow Yearning Finding new meaning \
Numbness Anger Isolation to life Recovery
Physcial symptoms Panic Loss of interest New sense of hope
Sleeplessness Searching in life Decrease of deep
Lack of appetite Resist return to sadness
or overeating normal New spiritual growth
Denial Facing reality
Learning to "let go"
Accepting our
responsibilites
This "grief wheel" has four phases: shock, protest, disorganization, reorganization. Although some people move from one phase to the next in sequence, life is rarely that simple. It's not unusual to move back to a previous phase for a time. And it is extremely common to go through some phases more than once. For example, the initial discovery of a son's homosexual involvement may trigger a cycle of grief. Then his announcement that he has moved in with a male lover may cause another cycle. Years later, a diagnosis of AIDS could launch yet another cycle.
As time passes, we move out of the cycle in one of two directions: deterioration or recovery.
Let's take a few minutes to examine these phases of the grief cycle in more depth, in order to better understand where our emotions fit in the cycle and to learn how others have experienced it.
Loss of security. Even though your friend or relative has probably been aware of homosexual feelings for years, this is a new revelation to you. Suddenly, you feel like you are talking to a stranger, as this unfamiliar aspect of their personality is revealed. The sense of betrayal can be devastating.
Perhaps you felt that yours was the "perfect" Christian marriage, or that your daughter was the epitome of mature godly womanhood. This was the son who never gave you a moment's trouble, or the one loyal friend who had "been there" for you when all others had failed. Now life has taken a strange turn in an unfamiliar direction and you can feel extremely disoriented.
Loss of control. Suddenly life seems totally out of control. Your daughter has rejected Christianity, including the core moral values you have taught her since birth. Your husband has been unfaithful with another man; you feel disgusted and nauseated.
Events are pushing you in a direction you never thought you would be going. "If he was seeing another woman," one wife said, "I could fight it. But with this situation, I felt helpless -- and totally lost."
Loss of future dreams. Before this discovery, the future may have seemed so bright and certain. Now you wonder what will happen to your family, your marriage, your children, your friends. Perhaps your son represented your one chance to experience the joy of being a grandmother. You always dreamed of your daughter being the star of a huge "white gown" wedding in your family's church. You knew your husband would be a wonderful father, but now you can't believe he is leaving you. Your dreams have crashed upon the hard rock of reality.
Loss of reputation. This can be a major issue, depending on your perceived "status" in the community or your local church. For example, if you are a pastor, you may feel insecure about your future employment opportunities. Or you are a parent and you thought you did a good job. What will people think of you now? And you feel so isolated. How can you tell anyone? They wouldn't understand!
Loss of relationship. Perhaps this is the core loss of all. The deeper the bonding between you and this other person, the deeper your hurt upon discovering their homosexuality. You know that this relationship has changed forever.
Whatever the exact losses you have experienced, the net result is the same: you are thrown into the initial stages of the grief cycle.
Nothing was ever the same for me after Tony's confession. Much of my self-worth rested on the great job I had done in raising him single-handedly. Suddenly I was deeply ashamed of this son who had made me so proud the previous day. What would people think of Tony if they knew? I wondered. And what would they think of me? My son and I had been so close. How could he do this to me?
Many spouses react with similar deep emotions. One wife said she felt like a fragile heirloom vase which had been dropped. "I shattered into a million pieces inside."
Other symptoms of shock can include --
Emotional Release. There can be a huge release of emotions right after the initial discovery. It's not unusual for a mother or wife to cry for hours, with deep sobbing that seems too painful to bear. Of course, the pain can be just as intense for men, whether or not they release it through tears. "Upon hearing the news," said one father, "I felt totally devastated and thoroughly flattened. As I saw it, our nice, orderly family had been quietly going down the road of life, and suddenly we were hit by an express train!" [3]
Numbness. Some people react by going into a state of frozen emotions. They become like a robot, putting one foot in front of the other, going through the motions like a zombie.
"My daughter was relieved by her confession of lesbianism," said one mother. "But I felt dead inside. My first thought was, How can this happen in a Christian home? Doesn't God promise to protect our families from the really awful sins--like this one?" Some mothers say this is their worst possible nightmare come true.
Numbness can function as God's shot of novocaine to help you bear up under the sudden knowledge of grievous sin in your loved one's life. This paralyzing dullness lessens the heavy load of a broken heart. Eventually, as time passes, God will nudge you to begin facing the pain inside. Processing the hurt is the only way to release and resolve it.
Physical symptoms. All kinds of stress-related symptoms may begin appearing: nausea, migraines, sleeplessness, lack of appetite, and disinterest in marital intimacy.
"When I found out, I was so nauseated that I threw up for three days," recalled one mother. "Every time I tried to be intimate with my husband, I couldn't stop thinking about what my son might be doing with his partner. The images in my mind were so awful that I couldn't function in my own marriage."
Often stress brings an inability to sleep, which can be detrimental to your health. Your days are filled with anxiety and nights bring complete exhaustion. If you sleep at all, you have disturbing dreams.
After tossing in bed for hours, Janice fell asleep, only to have dreams about wonderful times with her "pure" Christian daughter. They were laughing and sharing a loving intimate conversation -- the way it used to be. Janice woke up with a smile on her face, which immediately was replaced by an inner stab of pain as she remembered that her precious daughter had left home to move in with a lesbian lover. Her dream seemed like a cruel joke God was playing on her; after repeated experiences like this, she began to fear going to sleep at all.
Here is how one mother has coped: "Often I wake up in the middle of the night, unable to go back to sleep. But I have learned to use these times wisely. I try to anticipate them. I get to bed early when possible. I take naps when needed. I avoid disturbing movies or TV shows right before bedtime. I pray before I go to bed, that God will wake me when he wants me to spend some time with him in the night hours. I put my Bible, prayer list and journal by a comfortable chair, knowing that some of my best times with God have been in these wee hours of the morning."
The main thing to remember is that all these emotional and physical symptoms are typical for this type of stressful situation. You are not going crazy! And these symptoms will diminish over time. You are normal, even healthy. It's much worse when all the emotions are "stuffed" inside, where they fester and remain unresolved.
Denial is a form of instinctive protection, a way of coping with something too distressing to acknowledge. Sometimes it is a regular behavior pattern in a person's life.
Jenny called me because she found out that her husband was having some homosexual struggles. "I know he had a small problem in this area, but that was long before we were married," she explained.
"What kind of problem did he have?" I asked her.
"He was molested as a small boy and that gave him thoughts of being with men. He also fooled around with some other boys in junior high, but that was many years ago."
When I asked how I could be of help, she replied, "He seems to be having some problems again. He's staying out all night and he doesn't want sex with me. He's not even nice to me."
"Do you think he is having an affair?" I questioned.
"Oh no," she said firmly. "I'm sure that's not the problem. But I think he is having problems with those thoughts again."
I could see that Jenny was trying to minimize her husband's problems. He was roaming the streets at night and she had concluded that he was just thinking about having sex with other men. I suspected otherwise; later, my suspicions were confirmed. Jenny's husband began attending our ministry's weekly support group and admitted that he was involved in regular sexual activity with other men.
Homosexuality or lesbianism is usually deep-rooted and persistent without outside intervention. Hoping that this issue will somehow resolve itself is unrealistic. Parents may think the problem is not really their child's, but is due to companions who are exerting a bad influence. This is the reasoning that says, "He's not really gay; he caught it from his friends!"
I fell into this deception when I found out about Tony and sent him to Oregon. I thought if I could just get the school counselor away from my son, everything would be fine. Several days later, my brother telephoned to announce that Tony had gone to church. I was overjoyed. God was answering my prayers -- and so quickly!
Then my brother phoned again the next day. "Sorry, sis," he said in a flat voice. "You know that church Tony visited? Well, it's a gay church." My mind could not even process such a concept. A gay church? How could there be such a place? And how could Tony have found it so fast, and in such a small town?
Suddenly a new realization hit me with full force: The problem wasn't Tony's friends. The problem wasn't Tony's location. The problem was Tony. I had spent all that money to ship him far, far away -- all for nothing!
Sorrow. There is an outpouring of sorrow, with endless tears which seem to last forever. "I'd sit at my desk at work, hoping no one would see the tears trickling down my face," recalls one mother. "I felt if I ever let go and really wept, I'd never be able to stop."
"It really hurt," admitted one father. "I wished I was dead. I wished my son was dead. And I wished that whoever got him into this in the first place was dead too."
Some people find themselves grieving at odd times, their emotions triggered by associations only they understand. A certain color of car, a particular city park, or a specific restaurant may trigger important memories of the past, prompting a flood of tears.
"I remember sitting behind some young men in church who were about my son's age," recalled one mother. "They were laughing and joking with each other; they were so...normal. I began crying and ran out of church, sobbing my heart out."
Crying can bring healing and cleansing. Without a release, emotional pressure builds inside, like a volcano getting ready to erupt. If you fear the tears pouring out at inappropriate times, find a safe place where you can give yourself permission to feel the pain, a private corner where you can express your fears. For some, this release can be shared with a close friend or counselor; others find themselves releasing sorrow in their times of private prayer.
Anger. It's normal to feel deep anger and even rage over this situation. How dare my son do this to me? How could my daughter throw away her Christian upbringing like this? Doesn't my husband care about how I feel? All my friend thinks about are her emotional needs -- how selfish!
Carol saw this anger in her husband after they found out about their twenty-year-old son's homosexuality. Her husband would storm around the house, yelling threats about what he would do to "the queer" who seduced their son into his first gay relationship. Carol felt like she couldn't take it -- first came her son's aberrant sexual behavior and now her husband was also becoming unmanageable! Finally she told him that one rebellious child in the family was enough, and he should act like an adult. Her husband quieted down after that conversation, but his anger did not go away.
Sometimes our anger will be directed at God. We have had certain expectations of how our life would turn out, and homosexuality was certainly not in the script. We may have taught our child the Scriptures almost from birth. Doesn't God promise to protect the children of the godly? Or we have discovered that our husband has unresolved homosexual attractions dating back prior to marriage. Now we feel deeply betrayed by God. We wonder, If God knows everything, why did he let me marry this man?
Panic. Some people are scared to death of others' reactions. Immediately they begin plotting how to keep this news a deep secret. They worry about the possible health consequences of immorality, especially the terrifying prospect of AIDS.
Suddenly it may seem like homosexuality is everywhere. The same day that Barbara Johnson found out about her son, her sister came to visit. When Barbara saw her purple luggage, she had the irrational thought, Oh no, she's gay, too! And the words "homosexuality ... homosexuality ... homosexuality" ran around in Barbara's head like a broken record. [4]
Searching. Many loved ones begin searching for a solution by contacting local pastors and Christian counseling centers. Parents can be very demanding because they are feeling out of control. They are desperate to save their child from harm. The quicker the solution, the better! Their focus becomes finding a solution to this overwhelming problem that has derailed their family life.
Sometimes parents are referred to an ex-gay ministry and they call up to ask in desperation, "What can you send my son? He's not a Christian. Can you phone him and convince him to change?" They forget that the motivation to change must come from within -- not as a persistent suggestion from well-meaning parents.
Unfortunately, many Christians have been deeply wounded by well-meaning counselors who give them bad advice -- or no advice at all. Soon after I found out about my son's homosexual involvement, he ran away from home and I decided to get counseling. I telephoned the large church where my brother attended and decided to warn them ahead of time why I was coming.
"My son is a homo...my son is a homo..." I choked on the word and the receptionist kept asking me to speak up. Finally I got the truth out and she didn't seem shocked at all -- much to my relief. At least now they'll know why I'm coming, I thought, and they will have the best person available to help me.
My brother and I walked into this church's counseling department. I feared that everyone would start pointing at us or whispering behind our backs. The lady behind the counter handed me a pink card to fill out. It asked the reason for my visit but neither my brother nor I knew how to spell the word "homosexual."
When a nice young man came out to get us, he looked busy. As we sat down in his office, he glanced down at the card. A flash of panic crossed his face. I realized he had no idea why we had come. The rest of our session is a blur in my memory. I know he wanted to say the right things, but he was obviously far out of his comfort zone. He fumbled through his Bible and read us some verses condemning homosexuality. Not exactly what a desperate mother and her brother needed at the moment!
I remember asking him what I should do about my sixteen-year-old son who had run away from home. He advised me to leave him alone and let the Lord deal with him. After a brief prayer, we left. My mind was still full of unanswered questions. I could almost see our counselor breathing a huge sigh of relief as we made our exit.
Externally, things may fall apart. Why does it matter if my house is a wreck? a mother will wonder. My son is gay! Often the outward activities of life which previously brought such joy seem totally irrelevant, even frivolous. Nothing seems important anymore.
Yearning. We experience a deep emotional longing for "the way things used to be." In reality, our family relationships may not have been good but they seemed good at the time -- or, at least, better than now. I can remember thinking, If only we had not moved to the town where that counselor came into Tony's life.... But later I was able to see the truth: That counselor did not turn my son into a homosexual. Tony had problems in his life long before that day. This realization enabled me to take my sorrow to God and let him heal it. Gradually I began to look forward again, rather than spending all my time longing for the "good old days." Facing the truth about the past gave me the courage to move on.
Isolation. Knowing of our loved one's homosexuality can put us into an extremely awkward situation. "How is your son doing these days?" is such a natural question. What should we say? That he's "fine"? That he's "busy with his new career"? Some parents conclude that the awkward questions are avoided most easily by staying away from the people -- such as friends at church -- who have a tendency to ask them.
One father said, "I went into my `cave,' the garage where I do my woodwork. I avoided everyone. I stopped going to the men's group at church because I was so ashamed."
"It seemed like no one could possibly know how I felt," recalled one mother. "So I withdrew totally, and spent all day in front of the television. I threw gigantic pity parties which lasted for days. Unfortunately, no one came but me!" [5].
"I didn't talk about this with anyone -- except my wife -- for a long time," said one father. "I was extremely disappointed. But I stuffed down my feelings. Every time I thought about it, I wondered what we could have done differently -- and what we could do now. It really helped when my wife and I became part of a group of parents dealing with the same thing."
The situation becomes even more tense when the person struggling with homosexuality swears others to secrecy. The issues of isolation and disclosure are so important that we will examine them in more depth in chapter four.
Loss of interest in life. It's common to lose interest in the other events of daily life upon finding out about someone's homosexuality.
"I obsessed on that one issue," said Jane, whose boyfriend told her about his struggles after she pressed him for a deeper commitment in their dating relationship. "I couldn't think about anything else when I thought of John."
As we focus on this one issue, we may stop doing other things that could actually help us move through the pain. Our obsession with our loved one cuts us off from other meaningful relationships. Others are depending on us, particularly if we are married with a family, but we become incapable of meeting their needs. Unfortunately, others become a sacrifice on the altar of our wayward child.
Resist returning to normal. In this phase of grief, we may resist resuming normal activities. How can we move on with life? Should we accept the fact that things will never be quite the same again? Does that mean we are giving up hope? "How can God expect me to go on," one mother asked, "just living as though nothing had happened? How can I return to normal? Nothing will ever be normal again!"
If we get stuck in this stage of pain and immobility, we become like the demanding child who holds his breath, trying to force his parents to yield to his demands. Our attitude says, "God, I want you to fix this problem -- right now! And I'm not going to budge until you do." God is vitally concerned about your loved one's struggles -- and your own pain as a result -- but experience has taught all of us working in this field of ministry that circumstances rarely change as fast as we'd like. God does not "fix" this problem according to our timetable.
Unfortunately, a child's decision to seek help rarely comes quickly. Long-term change comes as the result of a deep commitment, which takes time to develop. And the primary motivation must come from that person -- not from a loved one. Most ex-gay ministries will refuse to contact your loved one directly, especially if he or she is not interested in help. Over the years, we have found that such an approach is virtually useless, and occasionally brings us an angry threat of a lawsuit for invasion of privacy.
Decrease of deep sadness. One day we wake up and recognize that the internal weight of grief has decreased. Perhaps we will realize one afternoon that it has been several hours since we have thought about our loved one's situation.
"I can remember having several hours, then several days, go by without this huge wave of sorrow sweeping over my life," one mother recalled. "Soon my joy began to return. I was so excited. The air seemed fresher, the sunshine brighter and I even recaptured my sense of humor. I felt alive again!"
Finding hope again. Another sign of healing is the presence of hope. We no longer dread the future; we sense that good things can still be ahead. When we are weak and afraid, we can be honest with God. He says in 2 Corinthians 12:9 that his power shows up best in weak people. That is wonderful to know! Another verse that encourages me is Psalm 31:24: "Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord." This passage reminds me that my hope is not dependent on the shifting circumstances around me, but on something unchangeable: the character of God and his love toward me. I can draw inner peace and strength from remembering that perspective.
New spiritual growth. As we move through grieving, we have an opportunity to stretch our spiritual muscles. They may be flabby but we can exercise our faith daily. We can choose to walk one day at a time, not looking ahead into the future. This is what Jesus meant when he said, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own" (Mt 6:34). We do not have the grace to bear the burdens of tomorrow; the load we are carrying today is all we can handle right now.
As we emerge from grief, we may be surprised with a sense of new inner strength. Just as a tree endures through a hard and bitter winter season, then emerges with new vigor and growth, this situation gives us the opportunity to grow emotionally and spiritually.
We have had to trust God in a whole new way because we have come face-to-face with a problem that we cannot fix ourselves. Since finding out about my son, I have turned to God in deep sorrow, great fear and intense frustration. Often he gives me just the comfort and direction that I have needed for the situation. Then I can trust him even more the next time a problem arises. One morning I was praying about a situation that filled me with grief. Then, in my Bible reading, I came across John 16:33 where Jesus is speaking to his disciples. He tells them, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." These words encouraged me. Troubles will come, Jesus said, but he can give us peace in the midst of trying circumstances. When we learn how to put that principle into practice, we grow spiritually as a result.
Facing reality. We acknowledge that things will never be quite the same again. Life has changed forever. We will never view our loved one with the same eyes of innocence again. Although this fact is painful, we must accept it and grapple with its implications.
As we gain a new spiritual awareness, we are able to face the future as it really is. Our loved one may not come "back into the fold," at least as soon as we'd like. But we can go on with our life, even while knowing that our loved one is making wrong choices. Usually by this time, we have tried everything humanly possible to get them straightened out! We are left with no other choice but to release our circumstances to God. Eventually we can use what God has shown us to reach out to others who are hurting. We begin to find some good in a bad situation (see 2 Corinthians 1:3-4).
Learning to let go. In this phase, we begin to release our past hopes, knowing that many of them will never come true. While our particular issue is homosexuality, this principle covers a wide range of situations.
Most parents face deep disappointment of some kind in one or more of their children's lives. Their pain is similar to what we have felt; our hurt is not unique. As parents, we still have hope for the future and we long to see our children succeed in life. But we cannot control their destiny; they alone are responsible for their future choices. We can be an influence for good, but not a police officer who forces them to obey our wishes.
When Tony reached the age of eighteen, I had to face the fact that he didn't need me in the same way he had previously. That's a turning point faced by every parent. During his teens, he had begun leaving his Christian faith and embracing a wild lifestyle -- a common situation in many families. His claiming a homosexual identity was an excruciating situation for me, but many parents have faced a crisis of similar devastation.
Wives must face this reality, too. The fact that your husband has committed adultery with another man is crushing. But it is not too different from what other wives -- maybe some right in your own church -- have gone through with errant husbands who have fallen into heterosexual adultery.
Accepting our responsibilities. Moving through grief includes accepting responsibility for our past mistakes and seeking wisdom for doing the right thing now. Dealing with guilt -- whether real or imagined -- is such a huge issue that we will devote a major discussion to it in the next chapter.
"One day I had a big revelation," one wife admitted. "I realized that all our family problems were not caused by my husband's sexual struggles." This wife realized that she had been "mothering" her husband -- a common pattern. "I was upset that we were having difficulties in our sexual relationship. Then another wife counseled me, `If you treat him like a bad little boy during the day, he will find it difficult to act like a man when he comes to bed with you.' That really hit me between the eyes."
Other family members -- including ourselves -- may be contributing to problems in the home. Are we responding to this crisis in appropriate ways? For example, just because my daughter is pursuing lesbianism doesn't give me the license to gain 50 pounds or blow the family budget by wild shopping sprees. By honestly facing our own problem areas, we are better able to work through this situation successfully.
That's what usually happens. Some people, however, get trapped in an endless cycle of grief; as time goes on, they sense that things are actually getting worse. The person who cannot surrender this situation to God may sink slowly into bitterness. It's easy for this to occur. There is a narrow line between believing in faith that God will change someone, and trying to manipulate that person to change. If we become too disillusioned, we may abandon Christianity altogether.
I have been involved in numerous parents' groups over the past fifteen years. Sharon came to one of my groups soon after finding out about her son. She was an emotional wreck and grabbed onto our support like a drowning woman clutching a life preserver.
Sharon listened eagerly to my teachings each week and soon was entering into the discussion. She devoured every piece of literature, especially the testimonies of men and women who had been set free. Soon she was so cheerful at meetings that she became a special encouragement to all the other parents.
Then, after several months had passed, Sharon hit a crisis point. Her son wasn't enthusiastic about the literature she passed on to him. Her long hours of prayer appeared to have no effect on his behavior. Slowly I noticed that Sharon was withdrawing; she was less cheerful and had less to contribute. Soon she had dropped out of the meetings altogether.
A few months later, I was visiting her neighborhood and decided to stop by for a quick visit. When she answered the door, I was stunned. Her brown eyes were dull, almost glazed. Deep wrinkles stretched across her face. Her clothes were disheveled. She looked ten years older than when I had last seen her.
Sharon told me that she didn't care anymore what her son did. When I tried to comfort her, she was unresponsive. When I mentioned the Lord, she seemed totally indifferent. She mouthed the "correct" responses to my spiritual questions, but I could tell that she was only going through the motions. I felt like I was talking to a stone wall; after a few more minutes of conversation, I quickly left.
Unfortunately, I was so uncomfortable being around Sharon that I never went back. I was shocked at the total deterioration in her appearance. I was secretly relieved to get away. Now, many years later, I am still haunted by the empty look in her eyes. Obviously Sharon had given up hope -- both in her son and God. Her plans, especially her timetable of expectations, had been different from God's and she had grown weary in waiting.
I have faced similar situations since that day and I have not been quite as fearful. I have learned to allow these mothers to vent their feelings without receiving quick advice from me. I try to see behind their words and respond to the pain: "I can really understand how hurt and disappointed you are right now." Such a sympathetic response can prompt a flood of tears and I respond by holding the person in my arms. Ideally we can also pray together, which offers a chance for the mother to pour out her pain to the only One who can heal the deep hurt inside.
For these people, prolonged despair has led into the symptoms of a clinical depression. These feelings are normal if they last several months. If they persist, however, there may be a need to get specialized help. Here are three practical suggestions which have helped others get beyond them:
1. Get a thorough physical exam. Prolonged stress can cause alterations in your body chemistry. Get a complete physical examination from your physician. Let him or her know that you are particularly concerned about any underlying physical problems which may be prolonging your period of despair.
2. Find several people to give you regular emotional support. One common reason that a person gets stuck in grief is bearing their burdens alone. Perhaps you have told a few others but they have not understood or been deeply empathetic. Maybe your husband knows but he is not dealing with this situation in the same way. Whatever the reasons, you are not getting the emotional support that is vitally important to recovery. If this is true for you, it's time to find additional help. Consider a pastor, trained therapist or specialized ex-gay ministry which has expertise in talking to parents. You need an outlet for your emotions, and this can come through talking about your situation with someone else on a regular basis. I have a wooden plaque hanging in my bathroom which says, "Friendship doubles our joy and divides our grief." I have found my close friends to be the greatest gift during the hard times.
3. Consider taking anti-depressants. In the past, there has been great shame attached to taking medication for depression. In his book Why Do Christians Shoot Their Wounded, psychiatrist Dwight Carlson says, "In my experience Christians are intolerant, if not prejudiced, against individuals with emotional difficulties. Most view all such problems as due to personal sin." [6]
Fortunately this stigma is passing, Carlson says, and increasing numbers of dedicated Christians are finding help with emotional difficulties through anti-depressants. Of course, medication will not solve the underlying reasons for your depression, but it will enable you to begin experiencing more normal emotions while you seek counseling to resolve the deeper issues.
After seeing a whole city repent due to his preaching, Jonah went outside the city gates, sat down by himself and wanted to die. "It would be better for me to die than to live," he told God (Jon 4:8). After defeating the prophets of Baal and being threatened by Queen Jezebel, Elijah ran for his life by escaping into the desert. He was so discouraged that he prayed that he might die. "I have had enough, Lord," he said. "Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors." (1 Kings 19:4). Men and women greatly used by God were not immune to times of great despair. Other Bible passages are also an excellent resource in dealing with depression. In particular, the Psalms have been a comfort to depressed people in every age.
It's often difficult for us to admit that we need help. I remember going in to see my doctor for a physical last year when I was caring for Rick, my son's partner of ten years who was terminally ill with AIDS. I really needed some help. I couldn't sleep. After the exam, I was talking to the doctor in her office and casually asked her for some medication to help me sleep. I didn't let the doctor know anything about my life or why I was having problems with insomnia. Probably I feared looking weak or losing control of my emotions in her office. I didn't get the needed help because she couldn't see past my pasted-on smile.
So I encourage you to be real. Let someone know you need help! Whether it's help with sleeping or finding emotional support, don't be self-sufficient like me in the doctor's office. I've had to learn that being weak is not a negative thing. God says that only through our weakness will we know his strength (2 Cor 12:9).
That's a truth that Barbara Johnson has learned. After finding the gay magazines in her son's room, she confronted him -- and twenty-year-old Larry disowned his family and disappeared into a homosexual lifestyle. After almost a year of deep depression, Barbara had a breakthrough. "Whether Larry kills himself," she told God, "or if I never see him again -- whatever, Lord -- he is yours." She had said it many times before, but this time she felt relief from the crushing grief. "My teeth stopped itching and the elephant got off my chest for the first time in almost a year."
After another decade of silence punctuated by periodic contact, Barbara's son visited her in May 1986. "I want you to forgive me for the eleven years of pain I've caused you," he said with tears in his eyes. "I've rededicated my life to the Lord. I'm released from that bondage I was in, and God has really cleansed me. Now I can stand clean before the Lord." [7] Today, his mother travels widely, encouraging other parents through her speaking engagements and best-selling books (see Appendix A).
Barbara says that, because of Christ's death for us all, there is always hope -- no matter what our life's circumstances. "God is offering Himself to you daily, and the rate of exchange is fixed. It is your sins for His forgiveness, your tragedy and hurt for His balm of healing, and your sorrow for His joy." [8]