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The metal of the loaded gun in my hand weighed heavy upon my soul -- its black and hard barrel felt irrepressibly like the accusing finger of an enemy sharply pushing into my forehead. The darkest form of despair surrounded me as if I was bound with unbreakable chains to the lack of hope I saw looming before me. Numerous negative thoughts of my past flew before the eyes of my mind -- all the failures -- all the pain -- all the endless strings of self-doubt, failed suicide attempts, self-hate and the incapacitating insecurities of my life. Knowing that my future, as it was, held nothing for me, I determined I would not fail this time and that I would pull the gun's trigger and finally switch off the light of my life of hopelessness with that singular self-determined movement of one small finger.

It seems like an eternity since I found myself, just five short years ago, at this point in my life. I had everything the world says you should have. I had an above-average salary, money in the bank, a fancy car, great furniture, a modern apartment overlooking the city, good friends (so I thought), a good job, and all the drugs and sex one could want. But I was still incredibly empty and barren inside. I had gone through two lifetimes of pain in the few numbered years of my existence but I could not come to a resolution about my own sexuality. I knew I was gay and that I had only one option to escape the bondage that lifestyle brought with it. My own moral construct said it is better to die by my own hand than to live powerless against this uncontrollable and immoral urge deep within.

In the middle of this deep inner anguish a still small voice called to me and presented me with the smallest glimpse of hope -- a hope I fearfully clung onto. A hope that said

With God all things are possible. . .

The faith of a mustard seed can move mountains. . .

I proceeded to get the help I needed through the church. I did not need to do the work myself. As I submitted to God, He through the Holy Spirit worked within me and guided me into the truth He wished for me to learn.

The Bible says, "You shall know the Truth and the Truth shall set you free." Jesus is spoken about as being the Truth in this passage, but the truth I am speaking about is the understanding that, emotionally, I did not get what I should have had during the formative years of my development. I learned through a book called Reparative Therapy of the Male Homosexual by Dr. Joseph Nicolosi that I needed the acceptance, affection and affirmation of my father during the formative years of my development in order to grow into a whole person.

My earliest childhood memory is that of my mother hastily grabbing my brother and me and rushing into the bathroom, where she locked the door to fend off another one of my father's angry tirades. The thunderous pounding of his fist against the wooden door still rings in my ears to this day. I can mentally picture, even now, my mom crying while my brother stood looking out the window, as I reached out to her with a towel in my hand so she could dry the painful tears flowing from her red eyes. I can recall with vivid clarity the decision I made that day, at that very young age. I said to myself, I will never be like you. And with that one small yet powerful decision, I made a choice that affected me the remainder of my years. Through this decision, I never allowed my father to give me what I most desired: intimacy and affection. I chose, however subconsciously, to keep him out of my life.

I know many other individuals that have been trapped in the same kinds of bondage that I once was in. As I view their painful experiences out of the bondage of homosexuality and lesbianism it is a constat reminder of my own hopeless past. I am a successful accountant and business management consultant, but I have a very close and supportive network of male friends who have helped me to heal and have stood by me during many difficult years of healing. The scars of my past are still there as an invisible remembrance of the wonderful work that the Holy Spirit of God has done in my life. I have moved past the pain and into a miraculous and wonderful future that I would have never thought possible as a child. In truth and by the Truth I have been set free and have been brought into newness of life. Others too have experienced this miracle of freedom and new life.

Review your own personal understanding of the reasons individuals unconsciously choose this lifestyle. Review your own family and your own relationships with your children. This is not an inborn or genetic issue; this is exclusively a developmental disorder that can be overcome, albeit with a great deal of pain and personal resolve. Please adopt an attitude of compassion for these who have been cheated out of their right to wholeness by poor parental modeling and circumstances beyond their control. The breakdown in the moral and familial infrastructure of our society has made this problem much more pronounced than in years past and it is a problem which is becoming increasingly more severe. Ask our Lord that He will make a way where there seems to be no way. We need your prayers and support. Without His Love we are nothing.

22 October 1996