Helping a Friend
It can be difficult to know how to approach a friend you suspect has an eating disorder. Their own denial about their disorder may prevent them from believing what you have to say. They may resent what they perceive as your interference or disapproval. The best way to help a friend is to first educate yourself about eating disorders. Check out our Eating Disorders Internet Resources area for links to more information. These sites offer a great deal of information, including discussions on the best ways to approach a friend with an eating disorder. Especially recommended is Colleen Thompson's Approaching Someone you Suspect Has an Eating Disorder on the Mirror Mirror site and How to Help Someone You Care About on the Anorexia and Related Eating Disorders site.
Some things to remember when trying to help a friend with an eating disorder: Educate yourself! It will help you to be a wiser and more empathic friend. Eating disorders are complex and people with eating disorders are often bombarded with simplistic advice from well meaning, but ignorant, friends. Don't put your friend through that!
Realize that recovery is the person's responsibility, not yours. You can care about them, and be honest with them, encourage them and pray for them, but you cannot FORCE them change in the ways you think they need to change.
Be a GOOD LISTENER, and avoid giving advice. Don't criticize or shame. They already feel tremendously disappointed with themselves and you'll only hurt them and make them withdraw. People recovering from an eating disorder need to learn how to talk honestly about what they are feeling instead of using their disordered eating habits to avoid or deny their emotions.
Be patient. Recovery from an eating disorder is a slow and uneven process. Persons in recovery are extremely concerned that they will disappoint their friends if they don't get better quickly. They worry that people will get tired of them and eventually give up on them and they may rush through therapy in an effort to convince others, and themselves, that they are OK now. By being patient and letting your friend know that you understand recovery occurs slowly over time, you take a tremendous burden off of them. Your own example of patience can help them learn to be patient and accepting of themselves.
Tell them gently, but honestly, about the things you've observed that are causing you to feel concerned. Encourage them to get help, but don't be surprised if they resist. Don't nag, but you may need to be gently persistent. Tell them about this web site and encourage them to learn about eating disorders and what help is available to them.
Don't try to badger or force your friend to eat. One of the reasons people with disordered eating are afraid to tell their friends about their problem is the fear that others will begin scrutinizing how they eat. Invite them to meals but avoid commenting on what they do and don't eat. Let them know you enjoy their company. They need to relax and enjoy their meals, not feel like they are being judged or checked up on.
If your friend is a Messiah student and they are afraid to come in to Counseling Services on their own, you can offer to come in with them. They can make an appointment by phone, and have the pre-appointment intake form sent to them through campus mail. Check out the Our Services area for more information on counseling at Messiah University.
Give us a call at Counseling Services if you'd like to talk about your concerns in more detail. We're here to help!