How one family manages the joys, challenges, and surprises of college breaks

With two daughters in college and another living in Arizona, Parents Council Co-Chairs Chris and Heidi Bingaman know a thing or two about making the most of family times.

By Heidi Bingaman `81

Home. It is a word that brings up myriad feelings.  A favorite song of mine entitled, “Home” was made popular by Michael Buble. A portion of the lyrics says,

 “Another winter day has come and gone away,

In even Paris and Rome,

And I wanna go home.

Let me go home.

“Let me go home, I’m just too far from where you are,

I wanna come home.

Let me go home.

 

“It'll all be all right.

I'll be home tonight.
I'm coming back home.”

When my husband Chris and I hear this song, we get nostalgic about our three daughters coming home. We have one who graduated from Messiah College and is living in Arizona; one who is a senior at Messiah College; and one who is a freshman at Geneva College in western Pennsylvania. Chris and I always anticipate great family times together with their return home. In order to make the most of these visits, however, there is something that needs to be managed – expectations – both theirs and ours.

Over the years, Chris and I have learned a valuable lesson about cohesive family living.  We talk about everyone’s expectations of their visit home and our time together.  Whether our children return home for a short weekend visit, an extended holiday break, or a three-month summer vacation, we discuss everyone’s expectations. When it comes to our daughters’ visits home, we ask them what they want to do, who they want to do it with, and when they want to do it.  From that point, as parents we develop a realistic plan for our time together.

As our daughters return home from college, one of the first questions I ask them is, “What do you want to do when you come home?” In other words, what are your expectations of the weekend? What we have found to be a consistent theme is that they want to experience some of the family traditions of their past.  Leah, our daughter who is a freshman at Geneva, asked if she could bring three friends home for a weekend in November. I asked her what she wanted to do.  Her reply was that she wanted to have Indian Tacos on Friday (one of her favorites), breakfast together on Saturday morning, pizza on Saturday night, and “Sunday Dinner” at Grandma’s house.  Saturday morning, Chris often makes coffee and omelets for breakfast. Saturday night pizza, a Bingaman tradition for 27 years, is where our kids and their friends can join us for pizza as they choose. “Sunday Dinner” has also been a longstanding tradition where, nearly every Sunday, Chris’s parents invite their five children, spouses, grandchildren, and various friends for Sunday dinner.  This usually totals no less than 30 people.  Chris and I have come to realize that revisiting these family traditions seems to give our daughters a sense of security and stability during this dynamic time in their lives. While our family has many strong traditions, mostly centered around meals, your families’ traditions may and will include ordinary, everyday activities like your child being alone in his or her own room again after living with a roommate, going to a favorite restaurant or coffee shop, or just watching TV in a familiar setting. The key is to communicate about what your returning college student desires to do when home.

Another area of expectations that we discuss with our daughters is “when you come home, whom do you want to spend time with?”  This group could include anyone from parents, grandparents, siblings, friends from their past, or new friends that they bring home.  Usually, once a semester, our daughters want to bring college friends home, which we love. Chris and I try to plan a weekend that will accommodate our schedules so we can have time to interact with our daughters and their friends.  During the recent fall break, our daughter, Lindsey, a senior at Messiah College, invited a friend to our home to join our family for the evening. While Lindsey and her friend, Erin, were at the mall, they saw another Messiah friend and brought her to our home as well. That night, we enjoyed rich conversation around the table as we listened to the girls talk about ideas and topics that were captivating them in their fields of study, their core values, and their hopes and dreams for life after college. Furthermore, we learned more about our own daughter just by listening to her interact with her friends.

Sometimes when our students return home, they may want to spend time reconnecting with former friends, which may or may not include us as parents. They may want to go out with a friend instead of being home for Saturday night pizza or they may want to attend a church other than our own. Furthermore, some students returning home may need to divide their time between parents who are not living at the same location.  Sometimes there is disappointment on our part because we, as parents, are not included in their plans, and perhaps there is guilt on our children’s part because they did not do what we hoped they would do. Once again these difficulties can be navigated by just a little communication between parents and children.

On the other hand, sometimes our daughters want to come home for a respite. They are in need of a break from the constant activity and socialization that accompanies college life. When they communicate this need to us, we are not offended and need to understand when they hide in their room for the entire day and do not spend time with us. We just know that they need solitude.

Perhaps the most challenging obstacle to adjust to is when they want to do everything. One of the first topics Chris and I dealt with as our daughters returned home was that of a curfew. Previous agreements about the curfew needed to be renegotiated.  I am sure that every parent of a college student knows that the schedule of a college-aged son or daughter is diametrically opposed to their schedule.  College students are often out late at night and sleep the morning away.  While at school, our children become accustomed to coming and going as they please at all hours of the day and night.  The topic of curfew can be a significant source of stress if it is not addressed. As our daughters re-acclimated to home and became part of the family structure and schedule, we felt they needed to show us consideration by giving us an approximate time of their return so we would not worry.  We allowed them to determine their own schedules, but asked them to be in contact with us if their plans changed. This arrangement showed consideration for us, yet gave them the freedom they were used to at college.

As your son or daughter returns home for fall or spring break, the upcoming holiday season, or even summer vacation, remember that this is a time of significant family transition for your child, for siblings, and for us as parents. These times can be rich times of family interaction with minimal amounts of stress if communication about expectations occurs.

I would like to leave you with a few basic principles that have worked well for the Bingamans as our daughters have come in and out of our home since high school graduation.

 

• Communicate about your child’s expectations and your own expectations before your college student arrives home for a visit. 
• Lower your expectations of family life when your son or daughter returns home. As parents, Chris and I include them in all family activities, but we don’t expect them to be involved in everything we do.  We are selective about the family events that we urge them to be involved in so they will likely join us for the important gatherings, and we give them the liberty to skip the events that aren’t as important to us.  We allow them some freedom to determine their own schedules.
• Be flexible.  If they change their plans at the last minute, bring extra friends home, or decide to not come home after all, be prepared to adjust.  College students seem to change their plans constantly.  It is the nature of the beast, so be flexible!
• Accommodate and include their friends when you can.  A lot of relationship building goes on during this time that provides a basis for future interaction with your child.  Getting to know their “friends” goes a long way in remaining connected. 
• Seize the moment.  That rich moment of conversation or that shared activity with your son or daughter will probably not occur at the most convenient time for you. But these moments are fleeting. Be prepared to be available.

 

Finally, I would like to leave you with a few lines from yet another song entitled “Stop This Train.”  Lindsey was a little nostalgic recently as she realized she was experiencing her last summer at “home.”  Her sentiments were embodied particularly in the last phrase of this song.

“Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
Cause now I see I will never stop this train.”

Adulthood is approaching faster for Lindsey than perhaps she would like. She wants life to stop for a moment so she can remember and experience the memories of home. She realizes, though, that life keeps moving forward. None of us can stop it.

Since life does move forward at seemingly record speed, let’s seize the moment when our children return home.  Embrace the simple joys of being together. Minimize the challenges that accompany the changing family dynamic and ask God for wisdom and grace through the process.